Apparently, the Pavlova was named after a Russian ballerina. I hope one day I do something so amazingly stupendous that I get a pudding and/or dessert named after me, but I don’t think it’s on the cards. Nobody would want to eat a ‘Smith’, even if it was a luscious sweet treat that combined two of the greatest things ever: high-cocoa dark chocolate and pineapple. Oh sure, it was so very easy for Anna Pavlova, or John Apple, or Giuseppe Tiramisu. My family title could never compete.

Maybe I can settle for being named after a trifle. They always have interesting and alternative names. Or maybe a boat. ‘Sail away in a Smith’. That can be my boating brand. “Sorry sir, but if you want outboard motor repairs close to Melbourne for a Smith, you’ll have to shell out a few bucks. Those are very expensive and exclusive boats and the parts don’t come cheap.”

Obviously when it comes to having something named after you, you want it to be high-quality. I don’t want anchor winches and bait boards and in-line propellers and outboard motor services being performed on my namesake if it’s just a bit trashy, or middle-of-the-line. Not worth it. Not that I’m an expert on outboard motors or propellers or anything- it’s been years since I’ve been on a boat at all- but I know a good boat from a cheap one. Probably. It’d just look nicer.

Alternatively, I might be willing to stretch to some kind of trifle, or maybe a jelly. Definitely some sort of dessert, yeah. ‘The Smith. tasty for people with peace on the mind.’

Actually no, I like the boat thing. And not just ONE boat, either. We’re talking an entire brand. People will be hunting around Melbourne for people to fit anchor winches and propellers and all that, because they’ll be so exclusive and expensive. Like all quality goods.

-P. Smith